3/17/2011 Happy Birthday Grandpaw!!!

Ok so excuse my last blog i guess its not a great idea for me to write when iam mad so iam going to delete that posting.I should know by now that my mom will do whatever she can to push my buttons at times, it just hurts i figured she would have truley grown up by now. So I figured that me not loseing weight and being depressed from time to time has a lot to do with my issues with my parents and not feeling i guess totaly loved growning up. I know that everyone has there issues and that not everyone's home life is not perfect we are all human but it would be great for things to change iam tired of allways trying to please people who dont seem grateful. So In order for me to move on with myself and my life and my goals and dreams Iam going to have to get past it, and to move on I know today being my grandfathers Birthday I miss him so much and so today my birthday gift to him is to change me for the better.
I from now on strive to put the past in the past to get over it. Everyone that has hurt me in the past i forgive them some of them its harder for me than others but i forgive them. I strive to move forward with my dreams, I will loose weight for me, I will be a great wonderful photographer that will have more clients than i can handle. Life will get better I will grow better relationships with people i truley care about and let go of the past and move on to the future I cant continue with my life and achive my dreams if I dont change me for the better, no matter how hard it is to do this I will make it happen, Not for anyone but me but it starts tomorrow no more lol!!!

3/13/2011

Today has been an alful day. I hate to be that blunt but what else is there to say but that. Once again I get my heart hurt with my mom, Iam at the point of no return I do not want to be like that but i have no clue what else to do. How can you care about someone so much and try to do so much for that person and it allways turns around and bites you in the butt. I feel like iam on an emotional roller coaster that is never going to stop if i dont jump off and stop it myself. I deal with so much on a daily basis and i know everyone does its all part off life but everytime i turn around its something else with my mom what do i do do i give up or do i give in and when she wants to play nice give in again and put myself in the postion to be hurt once again. I mean seriously me and matt have been trying for awhile to have a baby and not everyone knows that but yeah and she pushed my buttons enough today for me to tell her if she keeped it up that she wouldnt have any interaction with my children whenever I had them one day and she said well thats ok you will never have any kids anyways so whatever. I mean really who says that thats a WTF for real. I normally try not to think like this. I normally try to stay away from drama, and if its not someone trying to start drama just when you think things are going great well here comes drama and its from my mom like really ugh.I let things go that need to be done at my house for my parents and i allways get back to the point of no return in the end. Iam stressed to the max and rambling so iam now going to go take a hot hot bath and soak and just try to chillax and let it all go to God, but i will be damned if shes keeping my horse i know i sound like a crazy now but iam really goint to take a hot bath latters.

3/10/2011

Ok so I have let go and moved on,Living life and it feels great!! So me and Matt bought a horse her name is Indy and we love her she is so beautful. I have really started to try to loose weight now even though before i said i was i really wasnt Iam a true procrastnator, not good. But Yaay I have lost right at 5LBS Yaaay Go me. Iam allready starting to feel better iam still really tired but thats starting to change. My photography is taking off with a bang this month I have allready booked 7 shoots and counting for this month yes they are half off this month but i still think that its awesome. Allso trying not to stress out but helping my parents get there educational farm up and going i might pull my hair out before its over with.
So anyways I think its funny how so many girls call themselves country girls because they have gone horse back ridding or they have ridden there parents 4 wheelers and so on. that is not the true deffination in my eyes of a country girl. You have to not be scared to get dirty, work your butt off and keep on going no matter what. If you get a little Poo on you so what it washes off i know thats kinda gross but its the truth. But yeah I work on a farm and Iam a photographer I keep my life balanced and try to stay out of Drama. I know thats not your average 26 year old females life but its mine for the moment take me or leave me i dont care I love animals and I love photography so what else is there for me to do you know you should allways do what you love and not worry about what everyone else thinks because those who mind dont matter and the ones that matter dont mind. Luckly for me I have a wonderful supportive Husband and even though there are times i want to pull my hair out and hurt someone at the end of the week I love it. Iam blessed i must say and if others cant see that i dont really care I strive for perfection at times which is hard sometimes. Anways thats enough of my rant for today lol. I hope everyone that actually reads this has some comic enjoyment lol!!!

past week update

Well it could have been a week not sure, I try to keep track of days but sometimes well just say we will wing it lol. So I have been trying to loose weight and My goal is to loose 15LBS by the end of Febuary, I have been working out three times a day when I can and if not three its deffinatly been two times. Life has been a bit stressful lately and iam trying so hard to clean out the drama cobwebs out of my life, and push forward and better myself and be a better wife, Freind, Daughter,sister....!!! Iam finally getting in life to where I want to be, and Iam looking at some classes to take as Iam winding down my day, I know iam a good photographer but I want to be a great one. There are allso some other classes I want to take but I havent totaly decided on them yet.Allso if things go well I may be getting a horse I know a lot of you are thinking where iam i going to keep it well of course not at my house but my parents house since, so my life will shortly consist of work, photography, Barn, School, and then what ever is left over for life in general. Me and Matt have been wishy washy about the holding off on the baby making thing i know some of you dont want to know about that but yeah we have decided to try and wait a little longer even though we both feel we are ready for that step in are life. We Really want to get a bigger house first though and with all of are other children(pets) Things would just be a little bit crowded in are small two bedroom rental house, so for now we are just going to have to suck it up and wait and when it finally happens it will be wonderful. And then hopefully by that point I will be able to work at home due to hopefully my photography expanding that much and beging to get where I would love for it to be. And even though I keep wondering at times what matts family thinks of all of are crazy decisons we just have to make the choices we make and hope they are the best for us and if not go from there and keep on going. we know they want the best for us and so do we obviously, I just wished sometimes they where not so judgmental you know but i guess thats there jobs.I just hope that one day they do see the side of me I want them to see because they havent so far and so things havent allways been great they have been more like akward which is no fun, but i apprcaite everything that they have done to help me and matt out in the beging of are journey in life togather, I guess I just want them to accept me finally and realize that iam not out to hurt or use matt like i know they have thought in the past. But anyways enough of that time to move forward with life and make it joyful and happy and not dwell on the past and things we cant change or take back. I have a goal that Matt wont have to work in the hell hole he works in one day due to my photography he has supported me through so much and when i havent had a job at times so I hope to return the favor one day soon.

My Best Freind? ;(

Iam not sure how to put this or what to say, I do miss her I wish things where diffrent between us, I feel as if we let petty things inbetween us, but i have no clue where to start. I have so much on my mind. I know i can put people on a pedstole and expect them to be perfect the way i strive to be but I know iam not nor will i ever be no matter how much i try to improve myself everyday i will never be perfect. we have all made mistakes in are past, and passed judgement on others we are humans therefore we do this. I have tried so hard to change my life and lead a good Christian life that I know my grandfather would have wanted. I guess i just felt left out and forgotten and now iam and i have no one to blame but myself. I know God brings people in and out of are lives everyday but i never thought that I would feel the pain i feel at this moment in my life which is supose to be the happiest. I guess when I started to try and change myself for the better i expected everyone else around me to do the same when everyone is diffrent and not like me again since everyone is human and no one is exactly the same and everyone does things diffrently and grows up in there own way. Its not my place to judge others and I know its a bit late to take back the things i said i know they where wrong. I just know that every since I got married everyone treated me and matt diffrent, like we werent good enough to hang out with any of them. so many times we tried to get togather with certian people and phone calls and emails went un returned so how are you not suppose to feel left out or pushed away from the people you called your freinds and so feeling hurt and forgotten i said things that i felt at the time where true to try to make my self feel better when in fact it just made things worse and things blow up in my face. There has been something going around that i cheated on matt which is not true, yes at one point in are relationship things got tuff for me and i was scared things were not going to work out between me and matt due to things that where going on with both mine and his parents things that where said to me all of this shortly after loseing my job that i loved so much and loseing my Grandfather and at the time it was to much for me to handle and I wont lie I did have freinds that where guys and there where times that i did flirt with other guys when it was just us girls out but I never took it further than that I had been cheated on several times in past bad relationships and i know what it feels like to have someone do that to you. Giving a guy freind a hug does not consist of cheating now if i would have kissed went out on a date or had sex with them now thats a total diffrent story but that never happened, and for it to be said that i did cheat on matt that hurts more than anything else could, Allso expecally since me and matt have been married we have been pretty much allways togather or we know where the other is and who they are with we dont keep secrets and matt knows everything, and thers a lot you guys dont know about me and matts relationship we are allways honest with each other. Allso Iam not saying what I did was ok flirting with other guys but that was before me and matt where married to. Even though I dont have to justfiy anything because matt knows all but when people start dateing no ones relationship is ever perfect not everyone is an angel no matter how hard they try to say that they are everyone has done something in a past relationship that has not allways been picture perfect so to judge someone else others may want to look back on there relationships and think about things before they spread things around that are not true. I know iam not perfect, and never will be but i do try to do whats right I miss the person i used to call my best freind I wish things where not the way there are between us but I dont know what to do about it, and i belive sometimes that when things get passed from person to person they do get told diffrently when it gets back to the person, I just wished others could see that I guess in some way I hope she sees this and knows iam sorry for saying what i said but i dont know where to go from there and I dont want to start anymore drama because its time to grow up and be adults about things. If we are never freinds again I guess that is how God wanted things to be but I hope thats not the case and we can put all of this behind us and move on and if I sound like a sappy cry baby oh well at least I was honest about things what more can I do.

1/27/2011 life and some decisions that need to be made

Ok so as far as it goes iam a little embarssed to say that i have gained 40lbs since i have been married not good :( !! So for that like I said in my last blog I have decided to loose some weight and what I thought would be a safe and healthy weight to loose was 55lbs which will put me down to 158lbs so I have a journey to go with that. Allso something else Iam wanting to do is go back to school and take a few classes in photography to further my skills and maybe a few other classes as well nothing like making the mind sharp, maybe a writting class or something along those lines since i love to write when my mind is in its own, lol. Allso by the end of the summer me and matt hope to be looking at a new house we orginaly had a goal of the end of spring but iam not sure its going to happen we are still striving for that but we will see. Then hopefully I will have a office and if i have enough clients comeing in through my photography I can work at home but intill then my focus is loseing some weight, taking some classes, getting a part time job and focus on looking for a new home with more space and washer dryer hook up cause let me tell you it sucks not having a washer and dryer in your house.Baby making has been put on hold to much stress right now and i dont want to be stressed to the max and pregnant just not a good combination so hopefully once we get a bigger house we can start working on that again because i cant wait to start are family, and as much as i would love to be pregnant right now it is obviousbly just not the right time in are life and we are still young, and if push comes to shove and we are unable we will just adopt so yeah lol i know I would rather have my own children but if it comes down to it then thats what we will do. Everyday God gives us choices to make its up to us to make the right ones and if we dont at first then we must learn from are mistakes and keep pushing forward.

The next 120 Days

Ok so the next 120 days I have decided to challange myself. Iam not sure how much I weigh at this moment I know its more than what I want to Wheigh and so fat girl has got to go.So for the next 120 days I have decided to drink nothing but water and juices, eat healther and less than what I do Take a carb blocker and some CLA 500 and some slimmetry and lets see where this goes. Also since i dont really own any exercise equipment and dont really have the money to join a gym at this moment I do have the Exercise on demand channel so in order to get my body where I want it in the next 120 days I have decided to do on the days i can fit them in three of the exercise shows and on the days i have to work or just have to much to acomplish one in the morning and one at night before bed.We will see how far this gets me posted bellow is the most recent photo of me and its not so hot so lets see what I look like in 120 Days!!!