Tuesday, February 1, 2011

past week update

Well it could have been a week not sure, I try to keep track of days but sometimes well just say we will wing it lol. So I have been trying to loose weight and My goal is to loose 15LBS by the end of Febuary, I have been working out three times a day when I can and if not three its deffinatly been two times. Life has been a bit stressful lately and iam trying so hard to clean out the drama cobwebs out of my life, and push forward and better myself and be a better wife, Freind, Daughter,sister....!!! Iam finally getting in life to where I want to be, and Iam looking at some classes to take as Iam winding down my day, I know iam a good photographer but I want to be a great one. There are allso some other classes I want to take but I havent totaly decided on them yet.Allso if things go well I may be getting a horse I know a lot of you are thinking where iam i going to keep it well of course not at my house but my parents house since, so my life will shortly consist of work, photography, Barn, School, and then what ever is left over for life in general. Me and Matt have been wishy washy about the holding off on the baby making thing i know some of you dont want to know about that but yeah we have decided to try and wait a little longer even though we both feel we are ready for that step in are life. We Really want to get a bigger house first though and with all of are other children(pets) Things would just be a little bit crowded in are small two bedroom rental house, so for now we are just going to have to suck it up and wait and when it finally happens it will be wonderful. And then hopefully by that point I will be able to work at home due to hopefully my photography expanding that much and beging to get where I would love for it to be. And even though I keep wondering at times what matts family thinks of all of are crazy decisons we just have to make the choices we make and hope they are the best for us and if not go from there and keep on going. we know they want the best for us and so do we obviously, I just wished sometimes they where not so judgmental you know but i guess thats there jobs.I just hope that one day they do see the side of me I want them to see because they havent so far and so things havent allways been great they have been more like akward which is no fun, but i apprcaite everything that they have done to help me and matt out in the beging of are journey in life togather, I guess I just want them to accept me finally and realize that iam not out to hurt or use matt like i know they have thought in the past. But anyways enough of that time to move forward with life and make it joyful and happy and not dwell on the past and things we cant change or take back. I have a goal that Matt wont have to work in the hell hole he works in one day due to my photography he has supported me through so much and when i havent had a job at times so I hope to return the favor one day soon.

My Best Freind? ;(

Iam not sure how to put this or what to say, I do miss her I wish things where diffrent between us, I feel as if we let petty things inbetween us, but i have no clue where to start. I have so much on my mind. I know i can put people on a pedstole and expect them to be perfect the way i strive to be but I know iam not nor will i ever be no matter how much i try to improve myself everyday i will never be perfect. we have all made mistakes in are past, and passed judgement on others we are humans therefore we do this. I have tried so hard to change my life and lead a good Christian life that I know my grandfather would have wanted. I guess i just felt left out and forgotten and now iam and i have no one to blame but myself. I know God brings people in and out of are lives everyday but i never thought that I would feel the pain i feel at this moment in my life which is supose to be the happiest. I guess when I started to try and change myself for the better i expected everyone else around me to do the same when everyone is diffrent and not like me again since everyone is human and no one is exactly the same and everyone does things diffrently and grows up in there own way. Its not my place to judge others and I know its a bit late to take back the things i said i know they where wrong. I just know that every since I got married everyone treated me and matt diffrent, like we werent good enough to hang out with any of them. so many times we tried to get togather with certian people and phone calls and emails went un returned so how are you not suppose to feel left out or pushed away from the people you called your freinds and so feeling hurt and forgotten i said things that i felt at the time where true to try to make my self feel better when in fact it just made things worse and things blow up in my face. There has been something going around that i cheated on matt which is not true, yes at one point in are relationship things got tuff for me and i was scared things were not going to work out between me and matt due to things that where going on with both mine and his parents things that where said to me all of this shortly after loseing my job that i loved so much and loseing my Grandfather and at the time it was to much for me to handle and I wont lie I did have freinds that where guys and there where times that i did flirt with other guys when it was just us girls out but I never took it further than that I had been cheated on several times in past bad relationships and i know what it feels like to have someone do that to you. Giving a guy freind a hug does not consist of cheating now if i would have kissed went out on a date or had sex with them now thats a total diffrent story but that never happened, and for it to be said that i did cheat on matt that hurts more than anything else could, Allso expecally since me and matt have been married we have been pretty much allways togather or we know where the other is and who they are with we dont keep secrets and matt knows everything, and thers a lot you guys dont know about me and matts relationship we are allways honest with each other. Allso Iam not saying what I did was ok flirting with other guys but that was before me and matt where married to. Even though I dont have to justfiy anything because matt knows all but when people start dateing no ones relationship is ever perfect not everyone is an angel no matter how hard they try to say that they are everyone has done something in a past relationship that has not allways been picture perfect so to judge someone else others may want to look back on there relationships and think about things before they spread things around that are not true. I know iam not perfect, and never will be but i do try to do whats right I miss the person i used to call my best freind I wish things where not the way there are between us but I dont know what to do about it, and i belive sometimes that when things get passed from person to person they do get told diffrently when it gets back to the person, I just wished others could see that I guess in some way I hope she sees this and knows iam sorry for saying what i said but i dont know where to go from there and I dont want to start anymore drama because its time to grow up and be adults about things. If we are never freinds again I guess that is how God wanted things to be but I hope thats not the case and we can put all of this behind us and move on and if I sound like a sappy cry baby oh well at least I was honest about things what more can I do.