3/17/2011 Happy Birthday Grandpaw!!!

Ok so excuse my last blog i guess its not a great idea for me to write when iam mad so iam going to delete that posting.I should know by now that my mom will do whatever she can to push my buttons at times, it just hurts i figured she would have truley grown up by now. So I figured that me not loseing weight and being depressed from time to time has a lot to do with my issues with my parents and not feeling i guess totaly loved growning up. I know that everyone has there issues and that not everyone's home life is not perfect we are all human but it would be great for things to change iam tired of allways trying to please people who dont seem grateful. So In order for me to move on with myself and my life and my goals and dreams Iam going to have to get past it, and to move on I know today being my grandfathers Birthday I miss him so much and so today my birthday gift to him is to change me for the better.
I from now on strive to put the past in the past to get over it. Everyone that has hurt me in the past i forgive them some of them its harder for me than others but i forgive them. I strive to move forward with my dreams, I will loose weight for me, I will be a great wonderful photographer that will have more clients than i can handle. Life will get better I will grow better relationships with people i truley care about and let go of the past and move on to the future I cant continue with my life and achive my dreams if I dont change me for the better, no matter how hard it is to do this I will make it happen, Not for anyone but me but it starts tomorrow no more lol!!!

3/13/2011

Today has been an alful day. I hate to be that blunt but what else is there to say but that. Once again I get my heart hurt with my mom, Iam at the point of no return I do not want to be like that but i have no clue what else to do. How can you care about someone so much and try to do so much for that person and it allways turns around and bites you in the butt. I feel like iam on an emotional roller coaster that is never going to stop if i dont jump off and stop it myself. I deal with so much on a daily basis and i know everyone does its all part off life but everytime i turn around its something else with my mom what do i do do i give up or do i give in and when she wants to play nice give in again and put myself in the postion to be hurt once again. I mean seriously me and matt have been trying for awhile to have a baby and not everyone knows that but yeah and she pushed my buttons enough today for me to tell her if she keeped it up that she wouldnt have any interaction with my children whenever I had them one day and she said well thats ok you will never have any kids anyways so whatever. I mean really who says that thats a WTF for real. I normally try not to think like this. I normally try to stay away from drama, and if its not someone trying to start drama just when you think things are going great well here comes drama and its from my mom like really ugh.I let things go that need to be done at my house for my parents and i allways get back to the point of no return in the end. Iam stressed to the max and rambling so iam now going to go take a hot hot bath and soak and just try to chillax and let it all go to God, but i will be damned if shes keeping my horse i know i sound like a crazy now but iam really goint to take a hot bath latters.

3/10/2011

Ok so I have let go and moved on,Living life and it feels great!! So me and Matt bought a horse her name is Indy and we love her she is so beautful. I have really started to try to loose weight now even though before i said i was i really wasnt Iam a true procrastnator, not good. But Yaay I have lost right at 5LBS Yaaay Go me. Iam allready starting to feel better iam still really tired but thats starting to change. My photography is taking off with a bang this month I have allready booked 7 shoots and counting for this month yes they are half off this month but i still think that its awesome. Allso trying not to stress out but helping my parents get there educational farm up and going i might pull my hair out before its over with.
So anyways I think its funny how so many girls call themselves country girls because they have gone horse back ridding or they have ridden there parents 4 wheelers and so on. that is not the true deffination in my eyes of a country girl. You have to not be scared to get dirty, work your butt off and keep on going no matter what. If you get a little Poo on you so what it washes off i know thats kinda gross but its the truth. But yeah I work on a farm and Iam a photographer I keep my life balanced and try to stay out of Drama. I know thats not your average 26 year old females life but its mine for the moment take me or leave me i dont care I love animals and I love photography so what else is there for me to do you know you should allways do what you love and not worry about what everyone else thinks because those who mind dont matter and the ones that matter dont mind. Luckly for me I have a wonderful supportive Husband and even though there are times i want to pull my hair out and hurt someone at the end of the week I love it. Iam blessed i must say and if others cant see that i dont really care I strive for perfection at times which is hard sometimes. Anways thats enough of my rant for today lol. I hope everyone that actually reads this has some comic enjoyment lol!!!